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Friend Can’t Make It to This Mass Shooting, Will Definitely Be at the Next One

ODESSA, Texas — Local man Grant Hopkins informed his friend group today that he can’t make it to this mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he will definitely be in attendance at the next one, sources within the clique report.

“I texted Grant that there were gunshots everywhere, and all he sent back was, ‘Can’t make it, plans tonight,’ with a sad face emoji,” reports Heather Coleman, a friend of Hopkins and a survivor of the latest mass shooting in the United States. “That’s so typical of Grant… but at least he’ll have a few more chances next week.”

Hopkins, who has a reputation of being notoriously flaky about attending events with friends, was insistent that he’ll make it up to them by showing up for at least one of the almost daily mass shootings in America throughout the rest of the year.

“Look, I try to be there for my friends whenever I can, but sometimes, life gets hectic,” Hopkins said via phone while driving to his local mall, which has seen two shootings in the last five years. “I know I miss out on important stuff sometimes, but the next time some sad white guy brings an assault weapon to a school, goddammit, I’ll be there.”

While Hopkins’ friends remain skeptical he’ll actually show up, local university statistician Angela Ribero believes that, given the national climate on guns and radical violence, Hopkins is all but guaranteed to be involved in an upcoming shooting.


“Given the current trend, Mr. Hopkins has better odds of public massacre than he does of being in a car accident, choking to death, or complications from the flu,” said Ribero. “Since he’s a frequent visitor of schools, churches, malls, bars, nightclubs, Wal-Marts, video game tournaments, movie theaters, food festivals, and simply leaving his house in general, Grant is all but guaranteed to be murdered by a gunman who’s been radicalized by our own president. It’s really only a matter of time.”

Although it remains unclear when Hopkins will find himself under fire, he did click “Maybe” on the Facebook event page of a candlelight vigil for the victims of today’s shooting.

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